Vegas baby! I haven’t been there since I was 12 years old… can you believe that? Especially considering the fact I’m from Hawaii. Here, everyone goes to Vegas. Many go more than once a year. The package deals are just so damned reasonable.

I’ve worked since I was 16 years old and never took a vacation outside of Hawaii because of the cost. I feel content just staying home from work. I live in paradise, and I love cruising with friends, so it’s never seemed lacking.

But this year I realized I should go someplace since I’m finally debt-free, and also because my mom was diagnosed with cancer last year and I want to spend more time with her. And it’s Vegas!!

Of course I have the dream that I will pull on the handle of the slot machine that gives me the jackpot of a lifetime … and then I come back home and quit my job, and buy my mom, sister, and closest friends some cool shit and bum around while trying to figure out how to invest the cash so I never have to work again. Real estate might be a good investment here in Hawaii… It really is a buyer’s market right now, but sheesh. I can’t afford anything!

If anyone has suggestions on shows, or sights, or casinos me and my mom should check out, please comment! We don’t leave until August. Hopefully even if i have to get surgery, it’ll be healed by then and I’ll be ready to experience Vegas for the first time as an adult. I’ve heard you get the “virgin luck” when you go to Vegas your first time. I sure hope I get lucky!!!

More than anything though, I hope my mom has fun. She’s been really worried about her mortality. This is the first time she and I will go on a trip together in over 10 years. I hope we both are healthy enough to go, and again, all that really matters is that she has a good time.

Someone from high school looked me up online. We did talk back in school and i was always a bit awkward around him since he 1) played guitar, 2) was really artistic, and 3) was really cute. my friends would get giggly around him. he always made strange comments that made me laugh. If he’d asked me to go out back then i would have been happy. We graduated and i never thought much of him since. He was just a cool guy from school, but not a close friend. but cool.

This year he found my facebook account. We met and had dinner, and he’s still funny and going to be a dentist as soon as he gets certified since he got his d.d.s. and is anxious to get licensed. since dinner, we’ve spoken once on the phone and i dragged him to the book store last weekend since he says he doesn’t do much and his schedule is wide-open.

Initially, I was giddy, and crushing on him but it’s sort of been dying down. He surprised me by telling me he was depressed. Not just about any particular thing, but that he has suffered from depression. It wasn’t the depression that caused my crush to quell – he’d told me about it the first time we hung out, after dinner. I think it’s because it feels fleeting. Like he and i won’t be in the same place long. He told me he doesn’t want to live in hawaii and i can’t see myself leaving anytime soon, or moving to the same place as him.

I wish I could help him but I don’t quite understand how people with depression deal with it. The main thing i figure i can do is be a good friend to him. We are both aquarians. My birthday is January 29th, and his b-day is february 10th. We get along surprisingly well and it was instantly easy to talk to him though it’d been over 10 years since we’d seen each other.

I feel like we have some kind of connection, though i don’t know what it is. We aren’t exactly friends yet, since we’ve only started conversing a couple of weeks ago, and only hung out twice. I wasn’t sure if our first time going out to dinner was a date or not. And I didn’t know if the long, awkward pause as we said goodbye at the end of that night meant he was considering whether or not to kiss me? Or if he purely thinks of me as a friend. He says he hangs out with no one. He went away to school and came back and no one was left. He’s also very quiet and says he doesn’t speak to people, so he hasn’t made friends. He’s never mentioned his depression to his family, but he thinks they know.

Last night i was sad to hear he may move away, but also relieved. i don’t know why. i guess because my life feels really full right now with all my activities, it’s oddly like i have little room for new people.

I wish the best for him. It feels like we might not see each other for many years again. I don’t know if I’m imagining it, but I think we have a connection of some kind. I just don’t quite know what it is. I mean to say – it’s not romantic at all, and it’s not quite a friendship… so I don’t quite know how to label our relationship. I guess we’re just aquaintances. I’m ok with it if we don’t talk for a long time, or even if we never meet again. it’s weird.

Maybe it’s because he’s someone from the past… but he made me feel nostalgic. I was reminded that I used to play guitar and want to play again. I started remembering how much I used to want to travel when I was younger. Since I’ve been working, I’ve never flown anywhere for vacation. I just stay home from work. In my defense, I do live in paradise… but still…

The sad part is we’re both kinda dreamy people who took very analytical jobs with little room for creativity. We both don’t sound super happy about our career choices, but are determined to make them work, and then do what we really want later in life. Hopefully we both end up OK. I have a sort of bittersweet feeling I’ll never know how he ends up, but in the end it is probably OK with me. I don’t think we’re soul-mates, though there is definitely some weird ability to be open with each other, and I care a lot for him as a person though we haven’t been speaking long. I feel connected and detatched at the same time. I wish the best for him and hope one day he feels happy. I don’t understand how I feel, but it’s somehow OK.

And the crush, as short-lived and fleeting as it was seems completely gone.

Easter Sunday was good because it forced me to take a look at things and reflect. The guy I’ve been dating spent time with me in the evening after he went to evening mass. I’m not super religious, but he is and I felt good about him going since he seemed happy about it. He actually touched on the subject of us going out as girlfriend and boyfriend last week, but I told him we should talk about it when he wasn’t exhausted and half asleep. We never did come back to the conversation. I don’t know if he assumes we’re going out or not but his parents seem to think we are. I am not 100% sure what I want to do.

This weekend my family celebrated Easter Sunday by going to the lunch buffet at Makino Chaya. My mom’s birthday was on Friday, so it was a celebration of both events. My mom, sister and I try to go out on holidays. I remember being a teenager who hated spending time with the family and how much its changed for me as I got older since I realize how incomplete it would feel if we didn’t get together. I will seriously miss my family if anyone passes on or moves far away. My mom is already a senior citizen and I’m praying she’ll live beyond her eighties and retain her health. She’s doing good right now, but sometimes it hits me that she isn’t as young as she used to be, because she looks great for her age and seems 10 or 15 years younger, but then I realize her age and it surprises me. She isn’t 80 or 90 yet, but she’s in her early seventies. I would honestly feel lost without her. She is often someone I can bring my big problems to. She’s great even though we argue tons, and it might not seem like it to her, but I think she’s amazing.

My sister is a good person, but very different. Hopefully she and I will remain on good terms. She is super responsible and intelligent, and makes the right choices in life. She’s the older sister. Of course.

Our dad passed away in 1997, and I’ve always accepted it, but never quite gotten over it. I probably never will feel OK about how he died. But I accept he’s gone, and hope he’s cruising around someplace and that he’s healthy, happy and able to enjoy his existence without pain. I don’t know what i think happens in the after-life, exactly, but I like to imagine he can see how we’re doing, and I imagine him young for some reason.

Easter Sunday was somber for me because a lot of things started piling up on me. Anxieties about decisions I’ve been making in life, and the career path I chose… Realizing I don’t think I’m happy doing what I’m doing by choosing IT as a career path… all that stuff. I banged up my car on a pillar in the parking structure wednesday evening after work, and am going through insurance but feel incredibly stupid about it. My carelessness cost me the $500 deductible, and I imagine my premiums are rising now. I left work so frustrated on Wednesday… I just wasn’t paying attention when I pulled out of the stall and the front-passenger-side of the car got it. The mirror came off, and the front panel by the wheel and passenger door are both dented. The estimate is over $2K. I have debts to pay and my car’s due for a tune up, so I wish I hadn’t made this additional bill. The auto body shop is charging me $500, and insurance will pick up the rest.

I just started feeling kinda somber last night. I’m thankful for all that I have and realize I’m a lucky person to have family and friends and a job. Hopefully everyone else had a good Easter – whether you celebrate it or not.

Though I am not a total brand-name person when it comes to clothing (though I did go through a Banana Republic phase not too long ago) I am super picky about purchasing a laptop bag, and love some of the STM line of laptop bags. STM is a company that’s based in Australia and specializes in bags to lug around digital gadgets. I came across them by chance online through a mac forum when I was first looking for a cool laptop bag.

I recently ordered the STM Medium alley bag in the carbon color. It fits my newly purchased macbook pro 15-inch great. I got my macbook pro because I dropped my 12-inch powerbook and the display died completely. I took out the hard drive, and bought this macbook pro on clearance, so it has the core duo chip, and not the core 2 duo. But it was only $1299 so it was a great deal!

The bag has a nice vertical zipper pocket along the front flap which comes in surprisingly handy, and a horizontal one along the back of the bag which rests against my hip.

The main pocket also has room for my folders, and there are sub-pockets that fit my power adapter, and other accessories. In all this bag is awesome.

My sister and her boyfriend went to Vegas on Sunday, and arrived back in Honolulu yesterday morning. My mom went to pick them up. I’d been hearing on the radio that people were getting sick up there, so I was a little worried about them. That was all I thought of their trip. But when I got home from work yesterday, my mom asked if I had time to talk, and I said a little since my date was coming in about 20 minutes to pick me up. And she told me my sister got married in Vegas.

Wow. Just like that. I am kind of shocked though they’ve been seeing each other for the longest time, and my mom’s been harassing my sister to get married for so long. I asked my mom how she felt about it, and she said it was OK with her since she and my father also eloped.

Kinda weird. Just have to get used to the fact she’s got a husband now, and she’s not going to have the family name once she changes it. But I’m happy for them nonetheless.

Last night, the guy I’m dating ate with me at Thai Kitchen in Waipahu. It was his first time there, and he liked it a lot. They are so reasonable– and their food is great. Its really worth checking out if you live on Oahu and like Thai food. We ate ice cream at Waiau Zippy’s, returned his Star Trek Season 1, Disc 1 to Diamond Head Video, and then cruised at my house. It was nice hanging out with him. He’s been having large amounts of stress at work. I felt bad because I know his friends wanted him to come hang with them, but he ended up hanging with me instead.

Maybe this will be the year I get a new job? Maybe this will be a year of changes for my family. My mom and sister’s life has already changed a lot with this wedding. I know my mom’s been ready to ask him to marry my sister herself! Haha!

I’m an aquarius. I see many sides to issues, and black and white situations become more of a muted grey for me.
The guy I’m currently dating is a Virgo. He tends to stick to his guns when he makes up his mind about an issue, and knows which side he’s on. He is a bundle of extremes and there are few blurred lines with him. I respect this, because sometimes I wish I was quicker at making decisions on certain issues.
He’s told me before that he believes in astrology. We’ve never discussed it, but I’ve looked online and in books for fun, and discovered they often state that the Aquarius-Virgo match is one of the worst when it comes to love / romance. I’ve seen a few positive ones, but more negative.
I’ve never spoken to him about it, and he’s never said anything about it to me — though I wouldn’t doubt he has read things about it on his own.
I have to admit I couldn’t help but think to myself that… maybe we might be different… but…? I guess it depends on how much he believes in it. And how much we like each other.

I don’t let horoscopes rule my decisions, but they’re cool to read. I definitely won’t stop dating someone because of it. But it does feel better when it doesn’t flat-out say “bad” when you look up the match. Yikes.

Admittedly, I am surprisingly materialistic. I believe in making money, and I think this goes against what a lot of horoscopes say about aquarians. I’ve seen so many scenarios where people were struggling. People who were / are close to me… and they deserve better. I can’t help but wish I had enough money to help them is all. Also want to be able to take care of myself so no one worries about me. And that’s why its so important. ((Cash Rules Everything Around Me)) <– If you catch the reference without googling it, I’m especially happy you’re reading this.

The guy I’m dating is someone I like a lot. I’m not in love with him, but am not looking to replace him. I enjoy being with him, and care very much for him, and think about him all the time, but realized when I brought up the subject this past wednesday, that I don’t quite know what I want, or what we’re doing in our definition of “dating”. But I guess it just is what it is.

On Wednesday, I asked him if the thought of marriage (potentially) was inconceivable for him. He said no. He wouldn’t rule that out. I feel the same. Yet, its kind of fuzzy whether or not we’ll ever go beyond dating to an actual relationship.

We tried being in an actual relationship in back in 2005, and we broke up after a few months. Then we started dating shortly after that. It felt distinctly like dating for a while, but recently, it’s been a few months now where it feels a little more… like… i dunno serious.

What’s interesting is how people define the term dating. We both admitted we’d want to know if the other person was having sex with someone else, but realize it isn’t something you have control over when dating someone. Because you haven’t made the decision to commit to the other person.

Usually someone is or isn’t my boyfriend.

I don’t know what he meant that time he was lying next to me, and I was scared about some things going on in my life, and he kept saying to me: “don’t worry. you have me.” Or the times he said, “i plan to be around for a long time.” I guess it means he intends to date for a long time.
He told me he’s never been in love before, and that he if he ever did love anyone he would have married that person. because love is sacred to him.

He claimed to feel the same way I do about us. That even though its none of his business, he’d want to know if I started having sex with someone else, But wouldn’t discourage it. He wants me to be happy. He cares a lot about me, and worries and thinks about me much of the time, and enjoys the time spend together.

But we differ in that he doesn’t want to deal with the possibility that I would stop talking to him. It upsets him a lot when I say we shouldn’t hang out anymore. He wants us to be friends if we’re not dating. I told him I’d need a break if we decided not to date, cause I can’t go from being able to touch someone, to not being able to touch them just like that. He doesn’t seem to understand that part. Apparently my friendship is very valuable to him. His is to me as well. But I don’t think I’d be able to be a friend if we stopped dating and I didn’t have some time away from him. I’d need that break. Then I think I might be able to be friends with him, though I can’t say for certain.

At times when things i say cause him pain, that’s when I ask if we should just stop speaking alltogether. Seeing him sad is hard for me, and knowing I made him feel that way is worse. There are some things that happened between us that he feels enourmous amounts of guilt for. I try not to bring them up because he can’t fix them now. It’s too late, but sometimes when I get pissed, it comes out, and he actually cried this past week from the guilt. Then I didn’t want to talk to him anymore because I felt like I might not be able to control my words, and don’t want to cause him pain anymore. Does that make sense?

He still wants us to always talk. It’s important to him. Maybe he can’t deal with people being mad at him or having something against him. I don’t understand why else it upsets him when I say we shouldn’t talk anymore. Or at least for a while. He doesn’t seem able to accept it. I’m not willing to write what he feels so guilty about right now. It wasn’t bad, but it was unfortunate, and his own inexperience that contributed to him making some decisions that hurt me a lot. I knew it wasn’t malicious on his part, but i still get angry and start complaining about it, and he starts feeling super guilty. This is another factor against us. These incidents that cause so much misery to me sometimes even today I feel it.

Since there’s nothing he can do to fix it now I shouldn’t say anything. But it just comes out when I get mad or scared. Then I immediately feel bad when I see his guilt / pain. Then I ask if I should stop talking to him, because I don’t feel I have the strength to stop talking to him if he keeps trying to speak to me. I need him to agree and stop talking to me as well, but he won’t do that.

Just rambling and not sure what the point is other than to write this out so I might understand it better one day.