Posted by: ayakoaya | March 8, 2008

Deconstructing the High School Crush

Someone from high school looked me up online. We did talk back in school and i was always a bit awkward around him since he 1) played guitar, 2) was really artistic, and 3) was really cute. my friends would get giggly around him. he always made strange comments that made me laugh. If he’d asked me to go out back then i would have been happy. We graduated and i never thought much of him since. He was just a cool guy from school, but not a close friend. but cool.

This year he found my facebook account. We met and had dinner, and he’s still funny and going to be a dentist as soon as he gets certified since he got his d.d.s. and is anxious to get licensed. since dinner, we’ve spoken once on the phone and i dragged him to the book store last weekend since he says he doesn’t do much and his schedule is wide-open.

Initially, I was giddy, and crushing on him but it’s sort of been dying down. He surprised me by telling me he was depressed. Not just about any particular thing, but that he has suffered from depression. It wasn’t the depression that caused my crush to quell – he’d told me about it the first time we hung out, after dinner. I think it’s because it feels fleeting. Like he and i won’t be in the same place long. He told me he doesn’t want to live in hawaii and i can’t see myself leaving anytime soon, or moving to the same place as him.

I wish I could help him but I don’t quite understand how people with depression deal with it. The main thing i figure i can do is be a good friend to him. We are both aquarians. My birthday is January 29th, and his b-day is february 10th. We get along surprisingly well and it was instantly easy to talk to him though it’d been over 10 years since we’d seen each other.

I feel like we have some kind of connection, though i don’t know what it is. We aren’t exactly friends yet, since we’ve only started conversing a couple of weeks ago, and only hung out twice. I wasn’t sure if our first time going out to dinner was a date or not. And I didn’t know if the long, awkward pause as we said goodbye at the end of that night meant he was considering whether or not to kiss me? Or if he purely thinks of me as a friend. He says he hangs out with no one. He went away to school and came back and no one was left. He’s also very quiet and says he doesn’t speak to people, so he hasn’t made friends. He’s never mentioned his depression to his family, but he thinks they know.

Last night i was sad to hear he may move away, but also relieved. i don’t know why. i guess because my life feels really full right now with all my activities, it’s oddly like i have little room for new people.

I wish the best for him. It feels like we might not see each other for many years again. I don’t know if I’m imagining it, but I think we have a connection of some kind. I just don’t quite know what it is. I mean to say – it’s not romantic at all, and it’s not quite a friendship… so I don’t quite know how to label our relationship. I guess we’re just aquaintances. I’m ok with it if we don’t talk for a long time, or even if we never meet again. it’s weird.

Maybe it’s because he’s someone from the past… but he made me feel nostalgic. I was reminded that I used to play guitar and want to play again. I started remembering how much I used to want to travel when I was younger. Since I’ve been working, I’ve never flown anywhere for vacation. I just stay home from work. In my defense, I do live in paradise… but still…

The sad part is we’re both kinda dreamy people who took very analytical jobs with little room for creativity. We both don’t sound super happy about our career choices, but are determined to make them work, and then do what we really want later in life. Hopefully we both end up OK. I have a sort of bittersweet feeling I’ll never know how he ends up, but in the end it is probably OK with me. I don’t think we’re soul-mates, though there is definitely some weird ability to be open with each other, and I care a lot for him as a person though we haven’t been speaking long. I feel connected and detatched at the same time. I wish the best for him and hope one day he feels happy. I don’t understand how I feel, but it’s somehow OK.

And the crush, as short-lived and fleeting as it was seems completely gone.



  1. Hi. I’m a high school junior. I happen to harbor a crush of my own. I was surfing the internet, I guess you could say, for answers. For guitar I try to practice as often as possible. For homework I try to finish with the best quality I can give. And for crushes, well, I try to end these as soon as possible. Your post, for this reason kind of gave me the closure I was looking for–that there is a life after school and somewhere a space for crushes as well.

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